Part of Me Will Always Love Them?

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This past weekend I was with a group of friends who I've known since college and somehow this led us to a conversation on exes. (probably because we were all with different people when we met) And I had an interesting realization. I used to say that part of me would always love my first love and my ex-husband. (two different men) But I realized on Saturday that no I don't still love them in a romantic sense. I still care about them and wish them the best in life; well now I do since I've gotten past the I'd like to hit them with a shovel feeling. But I think it would be really unfair to J if part of me still loved them. Because to me that means that I can't give my whole heart to him. And he has my whole heart romantically speaking. Now part of this may seem a bit odd or silly but to me it is an important distinction. I think if you still have any feelings for an ex it can stir up trouble. Both J and I had resolved our issues before we got married so that made things much easier. But I truly believe you have to let go of the past before you can move to the future. And I think had I felt there was still a question for him I wouldn't have moved forward in our relationship.


What are your thoughts do exes still have a place in your hearts or do you have to let go to move on?

My First Love and My Last Love

2.) Describe where you were when you met a boy two boys. (inspired by Sadie Dear)


I decided to tell the story of meeting my first love at the age of 13 and then meeting my last love at the age of 32 and how they are oddly connected by Robin Hood Prince of Thieves. 


My First Love
 I was 13 years old and in 7th grade. I was at a "movie party" at my friend Chad's house. Well we watched some movie and after the movie my friends Kelly and Jenn started having some kind of freak out so Brian (Moose) and I went outside. We walked around the house talking to each other about random stuff for about 45 minutes to an hour until our parents got there to pick us up. I was in love (or as much as a 7th grader can be in love). Later that year I asked him to go steady he said no he wasn't ready. 


Well in our 8th grade year we were good friends and hung out a lot and went to the 8th grade dance together. We had a great time. After the dance a group of us went to see Robin Hood Prince of Thieves. We sat next to each other and shared popcorn. That movie always makes me think of him and I smile. (that and the song Sea of Love) 


Jump ahead to 1997...we got back in touch I lived in Virginia and he was going to school in Florida and had to drive through VA to get to Maine for the summer. He visited and we had a great time catching up. He visited again in 1998 then I got married and he graduated. I found out in 2005 two startling things...first Brian had died from complications of Crones Disease and that he had fallen in love with me in 1997-1998 but never had the nerve to tell me. Apparently we were meant to be star-crossed but he will always be my first love. And I think he had a hand in me finding my last love....


My Last Love
In November of 2007 I was on Yahoo Personals and I decided to take a leap and send winks to a couple guys that I thought had potential. J was one of them. Well come December I hadn't heard from any of them so I decided that my time on Yahoo had run its course. I shut down my account effective December 31st (or so I thought). In January of 2008 I signed up for a service called It's Just Lunch. It is a dating service that interviews you and potential mates and then sets you up for lunch or drinks. No big commitment you just have a brief encounter and decide if you want to see each other again. I went out on about 10-12 dates throughout January and February. Some decent guys but no one was quite the right match. 


Well January 30th I receive an email saying I have communication from Yahoo Personals. It was J responding to my wink. Apparently his sister had blown up his computer with a virus and he had to have it wiped so he was just getting back to me. We started texting and IMing daily sometimes into the wee hours. He asked me to come to his house on February 9th but I already had a drink date planned through It's Just Lunch so I asked if I could meet him later. So at 9:00 pm on Saturday, February 9th I pulled in front of his house and he met me on the porch. I knew I was in trouble the moment I saw him. I didn't even care that he was a smoker which I didn't know til I got there. I just wanted to spend time with him...and lots of it.  


I walk into his house and what movie happens to be on TV...Robin Hood Prince of Thieves. I didn't think much of it at the time other then the fact that I love that movie. But in hindsight I really think it was sign. And seeing as how J and I have been together (although not always physically) since that night it was obviously meant to be. 


This post was inspired by:


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What I'm Loving!!

Here are a few things I'm loving right now...

My Brooks Trance 11 Running Shoes...

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I have knee issues and my foot tends to roll out particularly if I'm tired (like at the end of an event) and I never have that problem with these. They are great shoes and I love them. I can't recommend them enough.

My Urban Decay Urban Defense Tinted Moisturizer...

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Sometimes I just want a little bit of coverage/color and this works perfect. Plus it has SPF 20 so it protects my skin too. I even use it on race days because it holds up pretty well. (obviously if you get too sweaty it comes off but it even holds up to Virginia humidity)

My It's a 10 Miracle Styling Cream...

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This stuff is a true miracle for naturally curly, thick hair in a humid environment. I use about a quarter size dollop of this stuff for my whole head of hair. And it gives nice hold without crunch and without fading throughout the day. It is wonderful!

My Victoria Secret Yoga Pants...

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I live in these pants at home. They are so comfortable and I love them. I've even walked the dog in them because they fit so nicely. I will say if you are shorter they run a bit long even with the shortest inseam but they are great. And I love the waistband because it is so comfortable.

My husband's name popping up in my email box...

Because of his schedule underway email is sporadic so I'm very excited to see an email from him. I will confess that although I know he won't be emailing me every hour on the hour I still check my email every hour on the hour (and sometimes on the half hour).

What are you loving right now?

Love

I have about 5-6 blog entries floating in my head. I'm trying to get them into an organized state to put them on the blog. So they are coming but for today I leave you with this...because I need to remember it right now.

Valentine's Day ~ Another Part of Our Story

Four years ago five days after our first date my husband and I celebrated our first Valentine's Day. It was actually pretty smooth on his part because it was on a Thursday and he invited me to come over on Wednesday night to spend the night so we woke up together on Valentine's Day. (ok don't judge my behavior we moved quickly) It was very sweet.

Now the Valentine's Day the next year was not so smooth...Valentine's Day fell on a Saturday that year. So on Friday night we agreed to have dinner with my parents and then we would do our thing on Saturday. We had reservations at a local restaurant at 7:00 PM. There was a Hail and Farewell for one of J's co-workers that day at 2:00 PM so we figured it wouldn't be a problem. At 5:00 PM there was no sign of J so I tried calling him. I got a text that he was going to be there for a few more minutes then he'd head home. Sounded good. Until 6:30 PM rolled around and still no J. I tried calling him but it went straight to voicemail. I called my parents to cancel dinner and the restaurant to cancel our reservations. I figured he was caught in tunnel traffic but I didn't want to delay everything so I figured easier to reschedule. At about 7:30 PM I get a very apologetic call from him that he was just leaving the Hail & Farewell. He gets home and tells me that this guy who he thought hated him told him he had far more potential than he was ever given credit for and it was very emotional for J.

So we decide to go on about our evening and go to a friend's going away party (different person). We end up getting into a fight at the party and his friends try to calm me down. That didn't go well. So when we got home we hashed it out and in a discussion about how according to him I lived just fine without him and if he died going on deployment my life would be just fine. I explained to him that no things would not be the same and I would not be just fine if something happened to him. He also had this illusion that deployment wasn't as big a deal for the one left behind because we have our jobs, our homes, our lives, etc so things just go on. I then proceeded to explain that yes we did have our lives, our jobs, our homes, etc but we also lived with the fear of a black car pulling up in front of our house and a knock on the door. He had honestly never thought about it that way and it was quite an eye opening conversation for both of us. That night we go to bed feeling pretty good about us and our Valentine's Day weekend.

The next day (Valentine's Day) we wake up go about our morning routine with coffee, etc. We were meeting Mom and Dad for lunch and things were going good. Our first anniversary was earlier in the week and he had given me a card and flowers and I hadn't given him anything so I gave him a card and some cologne for Valentine's day. We decided that we didn't want to try to go to dinner so we would do dinner at home. But we wanted to come up with some Valentine's tradition. We did and we headed off to go shopping. On our way home we were going to stop at a friend's bar that was having a grand opening that weekend. While we're out shopping he gets a phone call from his sister. He ignores it because we're in the middle of our Valentine's Day celebration. She then calls me and I ignore it. She then calls me again. I decide to answer in case something weird has happened like she and her boyfriend broke up. She asks me if J is there I tell her of course. She asks me how we are. I tell her good. She asks me what we're doing. I tell her we're out for Valentine's Day. Then she whispers that her boyfriend asked her to marry him and she said yes. And admittedly we're both silent. Then we both say congratulations. She wants to talk wedding stuff, etc and we're thinking it's Valentine's Day you should get back to your fiance and we should get back to our Valentine's Day stuff. But we chit chat. As soon as we hung up the phone our night went down hill. J was ticked because his sister's boyfriend made a big deal about how he was going to talk to family before proposing and he didn't. And I was (embarrassingly now) upset because she got engaged first and I was going to have to hear about it for the next year. (selfish I know)

So we give up on our shopping and head to our friend's bar. We play pool and I drink one too many Captain and Sprites. I text my single girlfriends grumbling about her engagement. And J is just in a pissy mood because of his sister. We go home and go to bed. The next day we get up and he can tell I'm upset (through my hangover) so we talk and he explains its not a contest and the fact that she's engaged doesn't mean anything...blah blah blah. And I text my single friends apologies for being so insensitive. He had to go to Florida for work so we get him packed and I take him to the airport. After I get him off I meet a friend for dinner and a movie. I realize while watching He's Just Not That You that I am a very lucky woman. My boyfriend is a far better "husband" than some husbands and he excels at being a husband compared to my ex-husband. So I tell him this through a text because he can't talk. Here is the gist of my text...

"Honey I'm an ass. I've truly been a jerk about this whole thing
with your sister and her engagement. Who cares if we're engaged or if we ever get engaged.
We wake up every day and choose to be together. And I don't need a ring to be happy with you.

You are a better husband as a boyfriend than my ex was as a husband.
You love me for who I am, where I am and for that I love you! Happy Valentine's Day!"

It was that weekend that started me down the path of deciding I didn't want an engagement ring and that tradition isn't all it's cracked up to be. So alls well that ends well. 

What is a Valentine's Day you remember for better or for worse?

Always on My Mind

My Family

My Honeymoon aka being away with hubby

Love and Tattoos

When my husband and I first started dating I gave him a key chain that had a compass rose on it and it said...wherever you go you are my true north. He loved it because he's a navigator in the Navy and the compass rose is a classic symbol of the Navy. So I joked at one point about getting a tattoo of a compass rose with his initials at the top. He loved the idea and honestly I wasn't really joking. So Friday night I went and got the tattoo done. His initials are at the top and the color green reminds me of him and the color red reminds him of me. (The orange around the outside is actually yellowish it is just irritated at the moment) It is a very personal tattoo for us. He loved it!! He's excited that it will be all healed when he gets home.

My Favorite Piece of Jewelry

I do not have an engagement ring by choice. My husband and I never had a formal engagement but he did talk to my father and he asked me prior to us getting married if I wanted to marry him. But we decided that an engagement ring wasn't needed. At the time we were trying to take care of other expenses so we decided that spending a chunk of money on an engagement ring wasn't needed. And when it came to a wedding band I wanted a simple white gold band. It amazed me when we went to look at rings and I said I didn't want diamonds in my band some of the looks and comments we got from sales people. But I knew what I wanted. 

I think part of it is having been married before I have different expectations and needs this time around. I would have been happy with a piece of string tied around my finger as long as I was marrying J. He is my port in a storm and thanks to him I have a home not just a house. 

To me this ring means more than a $10,000 diamond ring because J gave it to me out of love, faith, and commitment. And he gave it to me as part of our commitment to God and each other. Now don't get me wrong if you and your spouse decided to get an engagement ring I'm very happy for you and think it is great!! But for us this was the right decision.

Wonderful Husband!!

I came home yesterday to find this on my kitchen counter...just because...

I am a lucky woman!!

Love One Another as I Have Loved You...

This is my 100th post...I feel like it should be big, inspiring, meaningful, etc. So I'm thinking of having a give-away later this week but I'm not sure what. And the content of this post is something very dear to me...

Jesus commanded us to Love One Another...it is considered to be the greatest commandment by many. But I personally think it is the hardest. I can handle the original 10 so to speak... I mean I'm not perfect with them but I get them. They are pretty clear cut.

Love one another though...not so much. When the minister said love everyone...I wanted to raise my hand and say "Everyone?" quizzically. But I refrained. I know what his answer would have been. He challenged us to pick someone that we feel needs God's love in their life and covenant to pray for them and with them. He had us write it down for accountability. For myself I wrote down a close friend of mine who I felt betrayed by recently and our nephew. I feel that both of them need God's love in their life and need to feel it coming from those of us on earth. When we got to the car I commented to J that I hated sermons like that because they made me accountable. I can't just walk away and say Ok thanks I'm good now. I have to do something with it. Although I told J that God wouldn't have needed to make it a commandment if it were easy and everyone were easily lovable. So for this week and the time leading up to Christmas I'm working on showing God's love. It isn't always easy but God never promised it would be.

We are preparing the way...

So it's been a while...

Sorry I promise I'm still alive...and everything is great. I went on vacation for two weeks and prior to that work kept me running ragged. So here is all the news that's fit to share.

J and I went to his family reunion in Indiana. I got to meet the rest of his family I hadn't met. It was great I love his family. I could not have asked for better in-laws...and yes they are now officially my in-laws. J and I got married over Labor Day weekend. It was great. It was religious, fun, casual, etc...and we loved every minute of it. We had a retired Methodist Minster perform the ceremony and we had communion as our first meal with each other and our family. It was great. We are going to have another ceremony in January for my family and our friends. I can't wait. I already have the dress...it is perfect. The kind of dress that when I put it on Mom and I said..."this is it" it fits beautifully and gives me a figure better than I could hope for.

Neglectful sort of...

I've been a bit neglectful of my blog of late. Part of it is a crazy schedule thanks to work. And part of it has been some of the stuff going on and not going on in my life of late that I've been trying to wrap my head around enough to blog about it. So here it is possibly disjointed...definitely unfiltered...and completely honest. So be warned...Megan...Raw.

Diet...Exercise...I haven't been doing so well at this the past few weeks. I completely forgot to log on to Scale Junkie this week mainly because I didn't do my weekly update. I haven't been to WW in a few weeks mainly because of schedules but really because I'm lacking motivation. This week I did go to the commissary and restock so I have good, healthy food in my house. I'm doing better. But due to some stress eating I ate a whole box of coconut clusters. I emotionally eat chocolate like J smokes cigarettes...is there such a thing as chain eating? As far as exercise I haven't been able to work out due to my knee but I've gone to physical therapy. But I feel like it is a rip off to pay $25 a session to do exercises I could easily do at home. So I'm going to talk to my Orthopedic Surgeon about that. And suggest a gym membership instead. We'll see. It is frustrating to me that I have lost my motivation...but I'm working on it to get it back.

Work...work has kept me busy. It usually does but this week has brought many frustrations due to lack of knowledge on my part. I used to be really good a few programs/things. Now I'm OK at a number of things...I'm dull on my skills. I want to get better. I'm looking into classes for InDesign, Photoshop, etc. I used to know Quark and Pagemaker well but InDesign is the current standard. Besides a Covey would say it is good to sharpen your saw.

Church...we joined the church the beginning of August in a combined service which both of us determined was not our cup of Joe. But due to other conflicts we haven't made it to our church the past two weeks. We miss it. We miss hearing Pastor Carl. He rocks as a preacher.

Home...J is up for a new assignment come March of next year. The options aren't looking so great. One of the best to give you an idea is a solo tour to Japan for three years. It means more money. But money can't buy everything. And it would mean three years apart and probably only seeing each other once a year. Which would suck...a lot. So we have some decisions ahead of us that could take a bit of prayer and cause some stress. Also we are headed to his family reunion the end of this month which if he does this will be even more important so he can see his family before he goes.

Wedding...J and I have been together for about a year and a half. We love each other dearly. We know we want to get married. We are not engaged. But we wrestle with the best way to do our wedding. With his family, my family, and our friends we're looking at around 150 people roughly. And I've got this down to bare bones. He has seven brothers and sisters and most of them have spouses and/or children. So right there we have close to 50 people. So if you have ideas, suggestions, etc. Think intimate, informal, fun, etc. wedding.

Love the honesty...

I love the honesty of this post by Mrs. Classic at Weight Watchers Changed My Life.

***Sappiness Warning***

So prior to J I had said that the guys I was with were always "I love you, but..." guys. And with J there was never a but...just "I love you" until last night. We're laying in bed getting ready to go to sleep and our routine is three kisses followed by "I love you and I hope you sleep well." Last night J changed this up on me in a very sweet way. He said "I love you, but...I'll love you more tomorrow." My heart melted. I am a lucky woman. And I know it.

Being Supportive

Sunday at the church where I work is Armed Forces Day where we thank and honor active duty and retired military for their service. That is what brought the idea for this post to me.

J is in the Navy. He was in the Navy when we met and he made it clear since he'd been in 15 years he was going the other 5 to make 20. I grew up an Air Force brat (some days more so than others) and so I have no problem with the military life. Heck it is what I know. And frankly it is my comfort zone. I think we will be fortunate and he will remain stationed in this area for his final five years. However, that does not mean he will be in this area for the next five years. Currently he is on shore duty but next year he will have to go to a new assignment. He could go to a boat which means six months home, six months away for the next few years. He could go to Bahrain for a year which is considered to be hazardous duty as far as pay but isn't as hazardous as some other options. But he would be gone for a year.

And the final choice which is his personal favorite...the Riverines. Which is a group of Navy soldiers that drive a speed boat (of sorts) up and down the rivers of Iraq or wherever they are needed. They guard the river and more importantly offer back up to other military branches. It is a dangerous job much like the Navy Seals. Because I know it is what he really wants to do I will support him in his decision and in his career but I admit there is a part of me that already stresses about it and we're not even there yet.

He and I have had discussions about him going to Iraq and he doesn't (didn't) understand how my life would change. I could still walk down the street, I could go out to eat with friends, I could sleep in my own bed, I could have a drink, etc. he was the one who's life would change. Until I explained to him that my life would change because he wouldn't be here for any of those things. And because part of me would hold my breath every time the phone rang hoping it was him while also hoping it wasn't a commanding officer. And because every day I went to bed without the doorbell ringing would be a good day. And that yes I had lived without him in my life for 31 years but I didn't really want to figure out how to live without him permanently any time in the future. I told him that my life would change maybe not as drastically as his but it would change none the less. And he did what he did best (because I'd started to cry) he held me in his arms and told me he loved me. And he admitted he'd never thought of it that way before. So now he and I have an understanding about if and when he goes in to a dangerous area. And we will respect what the other is going through because we have a better understanding of the other side. And I know our faith in God will get us through whatever may come.

He also explained to me why he wants to go...he wants to go so that we don't have to fight the war in our backyard...he wants to go because there are people who can't fight for themselves...he wants to go so that other younger guys and gals don't have to...as his favorite quote says...

" We sleep safe in our beds because rough men stand ready in the night to visit violence on those who would do us harm. " ~ George Orwell

With that I want to thank all the American military who are fighting around this world to protect our freedoms and so we can sleep safe. I also want to thank the families of these men and women for their love and support so the soldiers can do what they need to do. Thank You!!!

Log vs. Splinter

So...this post is as much confession as anything else. And it is fairly wide open...

I can tell you, your brother, your mother, your dog, your neighbor, etc what their splinter is...but I would be appalled for you to tell me mine let alone my log. I know I know it isn't fair. But I'm good at it. I'm not sure where the fine tuning of this skill came from...I have some guesses but those are most definitely for another day. But I really really have a problem judging behaviors that I wouldn't do while ignoring the ones I do...do.

J is a smoker...he quit back in August and did great (well we had some hills along the way but overall it was great) until end of January...beginning of February. Then he started with a trickle...one here...two there...ten on a stressful day. Recently he started smoking full time again and I admit I was frustrated. Because he did so good for so long. And I am very quick to judge because I don't smoke...never have...and can't imagine I ever will. And apparently I'm a bit vocal in my judgment because he pointed out to me in a very nice way. That sometimes I have a gift for making him feel horrible for smoking. Now my initial thought was good but then I realized how unsupportive I've been. Smoking is an addiction. A legal addiction but an addiction and it takes time, dedication, and patience to quit. And he is trying...and I love him and support him in whatever he does.

Unfortunately I tend to go with the theory..."the worst sin is the one you wouldn't commit" I'm not saying smoking is a sin I'm simply saying it is easy for me to judge because I don't do it. And I think that is true in most things. It isn't fair I know...but I'm human...

Little Family vs. Big Family

So when I was younger I wanted a big family. I was jealous of my friends who had big family gatherings at grandma's house, etc. My family consisted of my parents, my brother, and myself. We were a military family so we were never near extended family so holidays we usually pretty simple and small as far as number of people. This seemed like a bad thing until now...

Now I my significant other has 7 brothers and sisters and I'm baking goodies for all of them. I love it and I'm excited to do it but I'm also a bit overwhelmed at the number of cookies, fudge pieces, etc involved. It will work I know it will but Christmas is coming.

But I love them all (at least the ones I've met) so I wouldn't change it for the world.