Thursday, October 6, 2011

Starting Anew & Epiphanies

I've wrestled with my weight since I was 10 years old. I was in 4th grade and at the beginning of the year I was a petite little girl. By the end of the year I was wearing "husky" sizes and I looked like a weeble pudgy little girl. That was the year I learned we were moving from Alaska to Maine. I had never really known anything else, I started school in Alaska, all my friends were there, and everything I knew was there. My mother and brother also struggled with the move so our household became an emotional eating mess.

Since then I've wrestled with getting the pounds off. When I was a junior in high school I lost weight. Then I gained it back during my senior year and my freshman year of college. Then during my sophomore year of college I lost it again. Then I met my ex-husband and the pounds piled back on due to an unhealthy diet and emotional eating. Since then I have lost no more than 20 pounds each time I try to lose weight. I wasn't sure what the wall was until I was journaling recently. I have come to realize that I'm afraid of the attention that comes from being thinner, being hurt, and fear of failure. 

To use a phrase that a co-worker loves...let's unpack this a bit...

Issue #1 - Fear of attention that comes from being thinner...
I am a behind the scenes kinda girl. When I go out in a group I like to look sexy and put together but I'm not over the top or anything. Although I do like a bit of cleavage. But I'm not the big attention getter if you will. I like to be in a small circle of friends. And I don't like to be center of attention at all. In my experience if you are thinner (aka sexier) you get more attention. I'm not sure I'm ready for that.

Issue # 2 - Fear of being hurt...
A number of people in my life are victims of sexual assault and most of them were thin when it happened. Now I know from a logical stand point that weight doesn't prevent or increase your likelihood of you getting sexually assaulted, victims can be all sizes. But because of hearing about it at a young age (early teens) I think it was always in the back of my head that is you were thin you were more sexually attractive and thus more likely to be attacked. I never said these fears were rational.

Issue # 3 - Fear of Failure...
I've long had a fear of failure. I am a procrastinator extraordinaire because if I wait til the last minute and it doesn't go or turn out well it is because I rushed it. I've been told I'm a closet perfectionist and that I quit things half way or wait til the last minute because then it can't be perfect. That is how I view a lot of things surrounding weight loss.
  • If I can't work out for an hour why workout at all. 
  • If I can't eat everything healthy why bother eating anything healthy.
  • If I can't get to my dance class why bother doing anything that night.
  • If I can't take the dogs for a 30 minute walk each why bother walking them at all.
I think you see the pattern. Things have to be all the way or not at all. I've been working on this but it is a big hurtle for me to get over.

Tonight marks the beginning of my fourth session with First Place 4 Health. I admit part of me is looking forward to starting again and part of me is tired and wants to go home.  I said I would give God a year. The end of this 12 week session will be the year. I don't feel like I've seen a big change in my living. I don't feel more balanced. I'm hoping I can use this to get back on track. We'll see. Say a prayer for me.