Marriage

During our premarital counseling which interestingly enough happened between ceremony number one and ceremony number two so we were married. Our Pastor asked us an important question...he looked at me and said "Megan if you could change one thing about J what would it be?" I thought and thought and finally answered "to be honest I love everything about him personality wise and physically...but I would love for him to quit smoking." He then turned to J and asked the same question about me. J didn't hesitate at all he said "there's nothing I'd change about her I love her just the way she is." Our Pastor informed us that J was right. We have to love each other as we are right now without expectation that we will change. And we have to accept the fact that what we have now is what we will have in the future. We can't go into marriage expecting to change the person.

J and I have tried to live this out in our marriage. (We are not perfect we have our moments) But I think this advice paired with the following decisions we made going in have made a world of difference. My brother asked for marital advice recently and this is what we said...

We made the decision early on to live by these (some are cliched)

1. We will be equally yoked to each other with God. (both our ceremonies had a Pastor and we made a promise to each other and God)
2. Always say "I love you" and give each other a kiss before leaving each other for the day, the week, the year, and before going to sleep at night. (somewhere this became three kisses and now it is tradition)
3. Never go to bed angry. (so far this hasn't been an issue for us because we don't have big fights we have disagreements that are usually solved in 10-20 minutes)
4. Both of us will give 100 % (this was another piece of advice from the Pastor, he said it won't work all the time but if both of us are trying it will be better)
5. If you say something negative to the other person you have to say two things positive to build it back up. (we work like a gas tank in a car if you take away you have to refill)
6. Realize that some days you will be in a bad mood or he will be in a bad mood and deal with it. (on rare occasion both of us are in a bad mood we deal with that too)
7. In the middle of an argument over something stupid use the words lederhosen and/or Fahrvergnügen, you can't keep a straight face when these are said. (this has ended some silly arguments in our house on more than one occasion.
8. If I want J to do something I shouldn't hint, suggest, or assume...I need to direct. (J gave me this advice on our first or second date...if I want him to take the trash out say "honey please take the trash out" not "the trash can is full" or "the trash needs to go out" otherwise he will not realize it is being asked of him)
9. If you ask your spouse to do something don't micromanage it. (give them the task and let it go it doesn't matter that they did it differently than you, J had a problem with the way I loaded the dishwasher, I had a problem with his laundry methods now we're just happy the other person did it)
10. Love each other unconditionally. (this has been easy for us so far)

So what is your advice?

Wear sunscreen...

Some of you may remember this poem by Mary Schmich of the Chicago Tribune...today the part I highlighted in bold is especially fitting. I won't get into the details today...but I will in time. In the meantime...this poem has some very good wisdom...

Ladies and gentlemen of the class of '98: Wear sunscreen.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blind side you at 4 PM on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard.

Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.