Life After the Navy

My Hubby enjoying the freedom retirement brings!

Navy life had its ups and downs but it had a sense of normality for my husband and myself. As we have been transitioning out of active duty Navy life into the world of retirement there are some things that are the same...the process of getting an ID card is about the same, we have access to the base and all its perks, we still get many of the same discounts at places, my husband was recognized on Veteran's Day, and we still live a similar life. However, for my husband it is all new...in 20 years he hasn't had to apply for a job, he hasn't had to write a resume, he hasn't had to figure out what to wear to work, he hasn't had as many options, and now he has lots of things he's having to do for the first time. It has been an interesting process for him. I on the other hand have really had to do a lot of sitting back and watching. I mean I can give him resume advice, I can help him with job searches, etc but I can't really relate to what he's going through. I've worked at my job for 14 years now so I can relate to doing something for a number of years but I can't relate to having to start over. 

The good news is there are a number of resources out there. The other good news is that many companies look at military service very highly. And his military skills, training, and experience transfer over to the civilian world pretty well. I mean some things don't of course but many of his experiences in the military relate to the civilian world. I'm relieved he is no longer in the Navy...I am very proud of the years of service he gave and the amazing things he did for his country but I'm happy to know I won't have to deal with deployments, training exercises, or duty days again. Most of all I'm relieved I don't have to worry about a knock on my door with two men in uniform at my door.

For all of you with spouses who are still serving in active duty THANK YOU!!! You are amazing people for what you do. Your spouse could not do what he or she does without your love and support and the security of knowing you are keeping the home steady and strong while they are gone. I applaud you and I wish you the best in your continued journey!! 

International Talk Like a Pirate Day

My hubby is the one in the black shirt

In honor of International Talk Like a Pirate Day! Arrgh!!

What a Difference a Year Makes...

My Hubby

Having your spouse gone is a challenge whether it is for a week, a month, 6 months or a year. You have to take care of the house, the bills, the pets and/or children, yourself, and much more. On July 1st we hit the one year mark of when I put J back on the plane to go to Japan. Our first part of our deployment was 7 months that was long but because of going through that I figured a year wouldn't be too bad. And maybe it wouldn't have been too bad if I had gotten him back after a year but here we are at 13 1/2 months and I still don't have him back. Thanks to some scheduling issues it looks like I won't get him back for his last R&R until the beginning of next year sometime. The only good news is that means we won't have too long until he's home for good when he goes back.

But for now it is hitting me hard. Much harder than I anticipated. I find myself emotional...sometimes grumpy...sometimes envious...and impatient. I'm trying to work on my eating and my exercise because I know both help balance me. But I feel like I may need to do something else like go to a support group or go talk to a counselor or or something. It was a little easier for the past two weeks because he was in a port so we could talk on the phone and text some. But now he is back underway so we are back to sporadic emails. I know that each day that passes puts us closer to him coming home but still it is tough. I miss him...a lot!

This too shall pass and God is with me through it all but I'm ready for it to pass and to have my husband with me through it all.

Fear

So right now I'm blessed and I get to talk to my husband on the phone almost daily. At some point we will go back to email only conversation but for now I will enjoy person to person. And we've had some pretty interesting conversations.

One of late has been about fears. I knew I had fears about the "what ifs" of him being in dangerous situations what I didn't realize is that he does too. And I asked him to "unpack" it a bit for me. He said in the past he'd gone into dangerous situations that he hadn't really worried too much about whether he got home or not because there wasn't anyone to come home too. (He's wrong...he has a very large family that would have missed him horribly) Now though he has me and he says now when he goes into dangerous situations he worries about making it through to come home to me. At first this concerned me because he's always had the "I'm Captain America and I'm unstopable" attitude. But the more I thought about it the more I determined that having a little fear is a good thing. I think it keeps him humble and focused. And I think he stays on top of the people under him to make sure they are trained well too. As it says above...[Courage is realizing something else is more important than Fear...]

He has often told me that he loves his job (most days) because it isn't all about him there is a bigger purpose and cause at play. And in his mind he fights in other parts of the world so that we don't have to fight at home. I'm proud of what he and his fellow sailors do and the sacrifices they make. (as well as what all the branches do and the sacrifices they make)

Are there times when your spouse surprises you or shares something you didn't know?

Care Packages

So I'm currently working on a care package for the hubby. I'll admit sometimes its tough to come up with ideas. I know what he likes but I have to be aware of what will travel well, what fits in the box, what will fit on the ship, and it can't be anything too crazy. I admit I shop at perpetualkid.com a lot for his care packages. That along with Sour Patch Kids, Starbucks Via, and shower stuff are popular fillers for his box. Here are some of my recent items...

The Hulk

It's a little cheezy but it's cute. As a child he LOVED the Hulk. One Halloween when he was 5 or 6 he had his Mom cover him in green body paint and cut off his shorts so he could go as Hulk. It took forever to scrub off the green paint and he nearly froze (Michigan in October) but he loved it.

Grenade Stress Ball

He talks about stress a lot so this seemed appropriate. My only concern was would it be bad because of its shape. I think he'll be fine because it looks so incredibly fake.

Doomed Crystal Shot Glass

He loves skulls and he loves shots this just seemed perfect. It's really quite cool looking. I'm sure it will look great with Jager in it.

And of course I couldn't just shop for him so I got myself something too...a new door stop for work.

Foot in the Door

So what are some things you put in their care packages?

When He's In Port

This is from our first wedding. I love his smile...me not so much.

Currently my husband's ship is in port. This means I get to talk to him daily on the phone. Sometimes I get to talk to him twice daily. I realize it will come to an end at some point but for now I will enjoy every minute of it!! It is amazing to me how much just hearing his voice makes the separation a little better. Next we have to work up to Skype. He got a laptop for Christmas that has a webcam so we're half way there.

Any Skype tips?

I've looked at love from both sides now...

I know I've talked about this before but it has come up in conversation again recently. J and I were talking about how neither of us fully understands what the other is going through during this deployment. And the truth is each side has its pluses and minuses. This is the list we came up with.

For the deployed person...
Pluses:

• They get to go someplace different that doesn't have 200+ memories of their loved ones
• They have a job to do that usually keeps them pretty busy
• They are surrounded by people in the same boat (sometimes literally) 
• They sometimes get to have really neat and fun experiences depending on their location
• They sometimes get to go to really cool places as part of their time away (being underway is particularly good for this)

Minuses:

• They are someplace separate from their loved ones
• They have a job to do that can be life threatening
• They are constantly surrounded by people
• They can't share what they are doing or where they are going with their loved ones
• They aren't home to share in all the experiences going on while they are gone

For the spouse at home...
Pluses:

• We are in a familiar environment with our home, our family, our pets, etc.
• We are now doing the job of two people so we keep pretty occupied
• We are in some cases surrounded by fellow military spouses who are going through the same thing or who have gone through the same thing so they ask how we're doing
• We all have a list of things that we get to do when they are gone but we can't do when they are home (watch chick flicks, watch our tv shows, eat cereal for dinner, etc)
• We aren't in harms way on a daily basis 

Minuses: 

• We are in a familiar environment that reminds us of them and the fact that they aren't there
• We are now doing the job of two people
• We also have people around us who have no idea what we are going through and make insensitive comments.
• We hold our breath when the phone rings, when there is a knock at the door, when a black car drives down the street slowly, etc.
• We go for periods where we don't hear from them and we don't know what's going on. Which means we can't answer our family and friends when they as how is he doing and where is he?

What are some pluses and minuses for you and your spouse?

Thursday Top 10

Top 10 - Things That Make Me Think About My Husband and smile...

1. His clothes...I find random pieces every once in while like a sock or a t-shirt
2. His body wash...I leave the partially used bottle in the shower
3. The Garage...it's his space and it reminds me of him
4. His Jeep...it sits in the driveway waiting for him
5. Our Kitchen...before we met he renovated our kitchen and it is his pride and joy so every time I cook I think of him and smile
6. Our basement...when he was home on R&R he reorganized our basement which has made things much easier for me
7. His cologne...ok true confession...sometimes I spray a bit on my pillow case
8. Our house in general...it is the site of our first date...our first kiss...etc...and it has a lot of memories for me
9. My wedding ring...he's given it to me twice and I never take it off...every time I see it I smile
10. Our song...we danced to "Then" by Brad Paisley at our wedding and it fits us so much...I still remember the tear on his cheek as we danced (he would kill me for sharing that)

My Heart Stopped...Figuratively

I work in a church. We have funerals from time to time. Last Monday we had a funeral for a very dear church member. He was being cremated but his widow still wanted the flag presentation at the funeral since he was retired Army. The funeral home arranged for military men and women from the local bases to come including a bugler to play taps. I knew this was going to be tough for me because of J.

What I didn't count on is what happened Monday afternoon. The funeral wasn't until 3:00 PM. It was about 1:00 PM. I'm sitting at my desk. My office has windows into our hallway and my office is one of the first you get to when you come in the back door. At 1:00 PM last Monday my heart stopped. Three people walked into our building in full military dress. For a brief second my heart stopped...I started to feel the tears...and a whirl wind of emotions. Then my brain kicked in thankfully and I asked them if they were here for the funeral. They were and I led them to our sanctuary. More came and it was a beautiful flag presentation but Taps always does me in. They did a great job. 

When I mentioned it to my co-workers they were so caring. They really wanted to know if I was ok. And my boss pointed out that I function in such a different world because it never would have occurred to him to think that when seeing the military people. One of the church people said "well first they would have sent a Chaplin and second there would have only been two and third none of them are a high enough rank to bring that news." I explained that my brain put that together but that was after my heart stopped.  

Funny part of this story. I was talking to J on Wednesday. We hadn't had a chance to talk since it happened on Monday. And I told him my heart had stopped Monday. He thought I meant literally and freaked out before I could ever tell my story. So once I got him calmed down and told him the story his exact quote was "well damn that sucked but I'm ok."

Saying "see you soon"

Ok sorry for the absence I meant to write I did but my hubby was home and well spending the evening on the computer just didn't win out. But I'm back. I put my hubby on a plane again over the weekend. I knew it was coming...I knew it would suck...I did really well until he had to board. They let me go to the gate again and I was doing well drinking my juice and eating my bagel. Then they called his row and the tears came.

To be honest I really thought it would be easier this time. We survived the first 8 months and we only have two years left. I'll get to see him again in about a year give or take. We can do this. I can do this. But it doesn't make the good bye easier. It was so amazing to have him home. To kiss him good night and good morning in person. To feel his touch. To know at the end of the day he was going to be here. Now I am back to email, text messages, IMs, and phone calls. Now I realize that is better than nothing. And I realize things could be worse. (let me wallow for a day or two) I miss him and I want him home for good darn it.

For now it is what it is and we will survive and thrive.

Welcome Home

No I'm not talking about the new show on Lifetime. Although it does have some good storylines.

I'm talking about my own homecoming. I'm going to need a welcome home outfit...my sailor is coming home for a visit. I'm so excited!! I have some fun filled things planned...

• of course a fun filled welcome home at the airport...and at home
• I'm having boudoir pictures taken this month with Christina Rush Photography
• I have a special night out planned
• I have a day at the beach planned
• I have days with nothing planned
• He has made himself a honey do list (yes he has made jokes about me being on that list)

Things I miss...

My husband thinks some of this is crazy but these are some of the things I miss with him deployed...

• Lazy Saturday mornings with coffee
• Hurried Weekday mornings with a kiss good morning and a kiss good bye
• Relaxing on the couch in the evening
• Coming home to someone
• The way he picks on me a little when I say something wrong...sadly when I'm tired I do this a lot (sadder I do this when I'm not tired)
• Cooking together
• Sharing the bed with a person instead of two spastic dogs
• Good night kisses (three of them) and good nights
• Sharing a bathroom (we only have one)
• Going grocery shopping
• Going to Lowe's (He's convinced this will fade quickly)
• His crazy love of Deadliest Catch, Ax Men, and Swamp Loggers (Don't quote me on the shows it's been awhile)
• His laugh
• His touch
• Touch in general (I have bubble issues so only a select few get in he did very quickly...he's good like that)
• Grilling (He is the grill master...I haven't tried I might rock too)
• Shooting pool
• Putt Putt
• His ability to balance me
• His hugs
• Him taking the dogs out
• Him taking the trash out (it's a boy job after all)
• His handiness around the house
• His goofiness
• His clothes on our bedroom floor (he misses the hamper and I won't care)
• His smell
• His commentary on my shoes
• Him

Remakes - An ongoing debate in our house

When it comes to music I'm pretty much a depends on my mood girl.

With music if you looked at my iPod I'm sure you'd think I had multiple personalities. I have everything from Gordon Lightfoot to Sean Paul to Brad Paisley. It is an interesting mix. I admit I have both Guns and Roses version of Sweet Child of Mine and Sheryl Crow's version. My husband HATES the Sheryl Crow version. He argues that remakes suck in general. I say some of them are ok. I for one did not like Black Eyed Peas version of Sweet Child of Mine from the Superbowl. But that is just me. We get into debates often about artists who remake older songs. He feels the original artist did it best. But even he has a few exceptions...Johnny Cash does a remake of Hurt by Nine Inch Nails, most things that Bob Dylan sings he feels other people sing it better, and Shiny Toy Guns Major Tom. Those are it though. So when I tell him that I have a remake of a song he groans and rolls his eyes and tells me it is going to suck. But he usually at least listens to it. I like different takes on things I think they are fun.

What are your thoughts?

Happy Valentine's Day - I guess

Ok so I thought I was doing so well with J being gone. I have it under control. I'm good. Yeah until I  ate a box of Russell Stover chocolates (only 3 chocolates but still), a Cadbury Creme Egg, and half a Mounds bar. I guess I'm a little bothered that J isn't here when everyone else is talking about plans with their sweethearts. I'm not hating on them really I'm not but it is a bit of a reminder that J is absent. The good news is after being on email silence for a few days he was able to email me yesterday so at least I got to talk to him.

The other good news...I have week two of my exotic dance class (more on that in another post) tonight and last week it worked by butt off. So I'll earn a lot of exercise calories to burn off my chocolate blunders.

I Will Thrive...Deployment Stories

This week brought excitement in the deployment process. I received not just one but two phone calls from J. I know I am blessed that we can talk through email but there is something about hearing his voice that makes things right in the world. I've been working at writing him one old fashioned letter a week to me there is something so personal about a handwritten letter. I'm also going to be sending a care package and then a Christmas package. It seems weird to be sending him Christmas presents in November but in order for him to get them I kind of have to.

My friends and family have been amazing throughout this adventure and I couldn't do it without them. They have been good about checking up on me, sending me cards, and inviting me to go do stuff. It is good to get out of the house. My good friend S has been going to church with me which makes church a little easier since I had never been without J and it is the church we got married in so there are memories there.

The Navy has messed up our pay and we are getting about a 1/4 of what we are supposed to be getting. As soon as that gets straightened out life will be good.

I have continued to follow my menu planning. Yesterday I made a very yummy beef stew and a loaf of cheese bread (with the help of my bread maker). Tonight it is chicken fried rice...yum!!

I Will Thrive...Deployment Stories

So usually J is the go to guy for killing bugs, changing light bulbs, taking out the trash, picking up the yard from the puppies, etc. However, I don't think I can go for three years without doing those things as much as I would like to.

But I was not prepared for what I was greeted with when I went into our basement the other night. Our laundry room is in the basement...sometimes I grumble but really it is easy exercise. So I open the door to head down there, I turn on the lights, and I'm greeted by a creature. It was a very large, very nasty looking, flying thing that was on the wall as I went down the steps. Knowing that I couldn't leave it I sprayed it with spray and then used the bottle to smush it. It was gross but I did it. I'm not really that squeamish but I hate flying bugs because you don't know where they'll go.

The other night I also had to investigate a noise because there is no one else. I have an alarm system and two pit bulls so I felt pretty safe but I knew I wouldn't sleep until I checked. So in my p.j.s I along with the puppies went downstairs to check it out. Eva and Ares walked around saw everything was good and then we went back upstairs. I figure if you're dumb enough to attack me with my two pit bulls well...

I am working on getting things straight around the house. My dining room will remain a disaster for a bit because that is where I have my beading and sewing. I figure that way I can be with the dogs and work on stuff. But my bedroom is driving me crazy. We don't have a linen closet so we stack sheets on top of my dresser. But I'd like to figure out a better solution for that. We have a back room off of our bedroom that has J's dressers and it is where he got dressed in the morning but it is a bit of a disaster so I have it in my head to get that straight too. I think my bedroom would be more relaxing if I did these things. I'll let you see after pictures and maybe even before pictures if I'm feeling brave. 

Life is Short

J is adopted and his adoptive parents are his Mom and Dad. They raised him they were there for all his ups and downs. They are his guides in life. He has five adoptive siblings. They are his brothers and sisters. But when J was 21 he was approached by Social Services because his biological parents wanted to meet him. He debated because he really had no desire to have a relationship with his biological parents because they aren't his parents. But he learned he had two biological sisters, A and M. He wanted to know them.

He met his biological parents but the relationship was never really there because he had a Mom and a Dad and they weren't it. They got divorced when he was 23 and he lost connection with his biological father. He tried to maintain a relationship with his biological mother over the years but she wanted more than he could give her. So now he just has a relationship with his biological sisters, A and M. His biological father had a number of issues and had had a rough life which he sometimes took out on others. But A and M, more so A tried to maintain a relationship with him. It was hard but he was their father. Their mother got remarried to a wonderful man who was more of a father than a step-father. But their father was always there in the background. And although they didn't have the best relationship they always felt there was time for it to heal.

Labor Day weekend their father took his own life after a struggle with depression. It shocked everyone because he had always been larger than life and forever happy. For J he wasn't really effected other than the fact that he wanted to be there for A & M. So he and I did what we could to offer support. A has been very hard hit by this because she feels a great loss of what will never be. She can never repair that relationship.

This whole experience got me thinking...I didn't know this man...I'd never met...never even talked to him on the phone. And yet his death caused a void. I am very close with A & M. I love them like sisters. It has been hard to watch their grief, particularly A's. She and I have had many phone conversations about this. (She's in MI.) I feel for her because death is never easy to deal with but when it is so sudden it is harder still. I have long known that life is short...but this whole experience has reminded me of these truths...

• Life is short
• Do not let your last words to someone be in anger...they may really be your last words
• If you have something you want to do or say before you die...why are you waiting?
• Tell those you love that you love them regularly
• Don't sweat the small stuff
• Realize in the grand scheme...it is all small stuff
• Don't leave something unfinished
• Respect people even if you don't agree with them
• Talk to someone...people care more than you realize
• Laugh often...it is good for your abs and it helps your mental state
• Let other live they way they want to live
• Breathe...and count to 10 then speak

Beach Ball Moments

I'm back. Sorry for the long absence. I promise I will explain.

When I went through my divorce I read a book called Breaking and Mending: Divorce and God's Grace. It is a great book and I recommend it for both those going through a divorce and those going through a big break-up. This book was a big part of my recovery which later left me open to meet and eventually marry the man of my dreams.

One of the concepts I loved in this book was the "beach ball moment." Mary Lou Redding explains it in these terms (I'm paraphrasing) if you try to hold a beach ball under water it will work for a while but eventually it will pop back up when you aren't expecting it. She goes on to say this can happen with emotions too. If you keep them in and you keep them in they will eventually pop out when you don't expect them. An example of this is you're in the grocery store and something rings up wrong and instead of calmly explaining that it was marked differently you fly off the handle at the poor clerk. You aren't really mad at the clerk you are taking out other feelings that you haven't dealt with out on her.

I had a beach ball moment last night at work. We have a council meeting in the evening once a month and at the close of the meeting we do a closing prayer circle. I was doing good I'd talked about J being deployed earlier in the night no problems. But for some reason when I went to bring him up at the prayer time the tears came. And I'm not a pretty crier because my nose starts to go and I get sniffly. Then following the prayer I got lots of hugs and words of wisdom. One of which was tears are a necessary part of the process. So true. But I know it is because I was tired and it is still so new. I know we will survive and I hope grow from this experience but it is tough. I miss him horribly. Even our dogs miss them horribly.
And I know there will be other beach ball moments before it is all over.

So what are your beach ball moments?

Difference between my Husband and Myself in the Kitchen

{picture from Our Best Bites}

As I've mentioned I've started making out menus two weeks at a time. I put the menus up on the fridge with a list of needed ingredients and the location of the recipe. (although usually I try to get out the recipe) J gets home before I do so he starts (sometimes even to the point where I walk in the door to dinner) dinner before I get home. Well last night's menu was Stuffed Pizza Rolls from Our Best Bites (a great recipe site). I had written the recipe down from the website to try later but I read through the recipe with pictures on the site so I knew how it was supposed to work. It was a fairly easy recipe or so I thought. Apparently halfway through the recipe he was cursing my name. He overstuffed put the sauce and the toppings on the squares of dough and then they wouldn't cooperate into neat little pouches. So they turned out more like pizza tacos. Very yummy pizza tacos. And they were delightful!! Especially since I came home to them hot and fresh out of the oven. But I've learned a valuable lesson. Make sure the recipe fully explains each step or give J pictures because sometimes what seems obvious to me isn't to him. I don't even think it is a Mars vs. Venus thing. I think it is a experience vs no experience with certain recipes thing. So next time more detailed instructions will follow. Tonight...BBQ chicken...really easy...preheat the oven to put some BBQ sauce in a Corningware Pan, put in the chicken, make sure it is covered, bake until done. Enjoy!


P.S....I realize I'm blessed with an amazing husband. The fact that he cooks dinner for me is wonderful and frankly it could be burned to a crisp and I'd still eat it and say yum! And tonight's dinner of BBQ chicken was awesome. Sticky Finger Sweet Carolina Sauce is great!

Update

A few updates....

Health...
We've rejoined Weight Watchers...we both did well on it in the past and so we figured it was worth trying it again. And we're still members at the YMCA so we're going to make an effort to get back there on a regular basis.

Craftiness...
I'm signed up for a couple sewing classes over the next couple weeks...I think they'll be fun and enjoyable. And a nice break from work.

Work...
Work has calmed down a bit following Easter. This is nice. Although tonight I will be at work until 9:00 PM which makes for a long day...12 hours...

Home...
Saturday I went to a bridal shower for J's sister M. It was a very nice afternoon. I'm glad it went so well for her. We are having M and her fiance J over for dinner this weekend...I'm trying a new recipe again. I love doing that. In May I think J and I are going to head north for some family time before he departs. Should be a nice time to visit Michigan and Indiana.

We are also working on some house things...J has worked really hard on the yard the past couple weekends. It is looking good...if the grass would just keep up. Now we have a few indoor projects to work on...all in due time.